


Saruman Suffers a Break-Up

by Alkarinque



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: 1/3 of this was written when tipsy and the rest in the middle of the night high on laughter, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Parody, oh my god just don't read it, ratgloss this is for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:46:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28361889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alkarinque/pseuds/Alkarinque
Summary: Look away, please, nothing to see here. Scroll on, ignore this - NO, DO NOT-
Relationships: Gandalf | Mithrandir/Saruman | Curunír
Kudos: 6





	Saruman Suffers a Break-Up

**Author's Note:**

> i just found this on my computer, I didn't write it. nope. 
> 
> I hope the humour is clear enough so you will not think this is serious.

HERE BEGINS THE STORY OF THE END; ONE OF HEARTBREAK AND GREAT MISERY. ‘TIS THE STORY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE’S EXPLOITS WITH GANDALF THE GREY IN THE LATE THIRD AGE.

“I have noticed that you and Mithrandir have spent more time together,” Galadriel said, very suggestively, and Saruman frowned.

“Nothing more than is necessary, my lady,” he said and did it with such distaste, that the elf lady might have been convinced, had she not been Galadriel, which meant she was amazing and knew everything.

“I do not believe you,” she said, and Saruman ignored her. Galadriel, being a younger sibling, obviously could not stand for this.

“There have been … rumours,” she said, and Saruman snorted in a very posh way. Galadriel drank wine out of a cup in an even posher way to outdo him. Saruman then turned around and his white robes swished around him as he stalked off in a dramatic exit. But not without flicking Gandalf off on the way out to prove his point.

Elrond just sent Galadriel a weird look, but his mother-in-law just drank her wine and told him, very seriously, in his thoughts: _He is greatly burdened. We should leave him in peace._

“I need to go,” Gandalf said and Saruman huffed, which was rather funny, since he was half-naked in a bed and not in Maia-school[1] in the West with the rest of the Maiarin equivalent of thirteen-year-old boys. Gandalf had stars in his eyes and Saruman would rather have his colleague staring at _him_ with stars in his eyes. But no, it was for _hobbits_.

“Your simpletons are waiting,” Saruman said.

Gandalf was not listening as he put on his clothes, thinking about pipe-weed and hobbits and what fireworks he should use. Saruman was thinking about how to steal his attention but concluded that it was beneath him. By the time he had reached that conclusion Gandalf had already made it out of Orthanc and was heading for the Shire, now instead thinking about how maybe it was time for Gondor to finally get a king on the throne, instead of that thorny Steward.

Saruman in turn was trying to distract himself with the palantír. It had been more active lately and with his relationship with Gandalf starting to deteriorate it was a welcomed distraction.

Of course, none of them knew something worse was coming for them.

“I see you have found someone else,” Gandalf said in the most hateful of tones.

Saruman threw his long hair over his shoulder and Gandalf was rather jealous for a moment. Orthanc had a great variety of hair products, more so than any elf kingdom – it was an ongoing competition, though – and he would miss having his hair smell of manly smells for months after one bath in Isengard. Saruman had told him that he owned a secret shampoo – a secret he had discovered when seeking his secret knowledge long forgotten. Celebrimbor the smith did not only make rings of power, but in collaboration with the dwarves of Khazad-dûm, he created a formula for _mithril shampoo_. Gandalf had no idea how Saruman found it, but he had it. It was kept a secret for long and Gandalf had lived through many talks between Saruman and Galadriel, where Galadriel sought the answer to how Saruman managed to keep his hair so white and shiny, and Saruman did not surrender to her advanced tactics. It had been a secret only between them. Or at least that was what Gandalf had thought.

But Saruman betrayed him.

“I will no longer submit to your fancy,” Saruman said, and his voice boomed like a thundercloud. Gandalf might just cry, until he thought about the hobbits. And about unseating Denethor in Gondor. _I have better things to do,_ he thought, but really, he was just upset that his boyfriend had dumped him.

“Then no longer shall I submit to your folly!” he screamed. Had he not been on top of Orthanc, soon to be imprisoned, it would have just been the usual relationship drama behind closed doors. Now, instead, it was a relationship drama for all of Isengard to see. And they all heard his ridiculous comeback. He bet the orcs were laughing at him.

Saruman was.

He also closed the door and left his ex to rot on the roof of Orthanc. No one could say he was malicious. Who would not want that directly after a break-up?

“I clearly am the better alternative,” Gandalf told the moth. He was still in Orthanc and he suspected he would remain there for a while, missing Frodo Baggins in Bree. But he had more important things to do! Like vent to a moth. He was rather sorry that Denethor would remain a Steward since Gandalf would not be there to see to his , uh, dethroning, he had really been looking forward to seeing him go. Possibly go out. Like a candle.

Faramir would be easier. Oh wait, Gandalf realised, Faramir had a brother. Damn.

“I do not understand what he sees in him,” he said and glared down at the orcs. Sauron was not there so his minions would have to do. The orcs ignored him from his place high up in the air, continuing burning trees, digging holes, and chewing human loins. “He is nasty and probably smells bad. He certainly has no taste in architecture. He is a bad boy and it is really unlike Curunír to fall for such a ruse.”

The moth, a messenger of Galadriel who had only been sent because Galadriel was a nosy woman who wanted to know all the gossip, did not know how she would remember all this, because they were already three hours in and she did not have pen and paper to write down notes. Because she was a moth, in case you readers forgot, and moths have neither pens and paper nor hands to write with.

Gandalf did, in fact, remain on top of Orthanc and Galadriel had to employ more moths to her service to get the full story out of him. Saruman was distracted and did not think about his imprisoned ex on top of his tower, because he was busy being evil. He was rather bad at it, to be honest. His tower was smaller than Sauron’s - which might be a metaphor for something else had the author been that sort of person - his industry was smaller and he did not use colour coding correctly – he used other colours than black! Everything was a mess:

The Mordor orcs had serious complaints about the colour theme, the Uruk-hai had serious complaints about the splinters they got from all the tree-cutting, and Saruman had serious complaints about their sheer existence.

But maybe the worst news was that his mithril shampoo was running out. And unfortunately, all his funds had gone to reforming his garden, meaning he did not have enough to get more mithril.

He decided to invade Rohan in his frustration. The same day he sent out his Uruk-hai, one of Galadriel’s moths arrived to tell Gandalf how he deserved better and that she had always thought Saruman was a bit fishy. _A man with a beard so young is bound to be trouble,_ the moth recited, but failed in depicting Galadriel’s over-eager thrashing over her competitor in hair care. Because once again, she was a moth. Moths have very small faces.

_You should expect visitors in a few days,_ Elrond told his mother-in-law over non-virtual thought-chat.

 _No, Mithrandir has not come that far yet,_ Galadriel told him, _I would say at least another month, then I can offer him wine and a retreat in Lothlorien._

She was met with silence and had she not been busy weaving, she would have frowned. Her son-in-law had not been her choice, but as younger he should be humouring her. Her brothers had not all died just for her not to be treated with respect.

 _I meant the fellowship,_ Elrond said. _They have, as far as I can tell, made it safely across Caradhras and should arrive soon._

 _Oh yes, the Ring,_ Galadriel said, and Elrond signed off. Galadriel sent him a moth too, to say hello to Arwen, who had secluded herself to embroider something. Galadriel hoped it was shirt or cloak for that Dúnedain fellow – he needed better clothes and jewellery if he was to dust of that old throne in Gondor.

Saruman was so busy being Evil and conquering Rohan that he did not think much about Radagast. Had he spared him a thought, he would have asked where his mushroom-eating colleague had gone. The answer would have been that Radagast the Brown, ever his burden since Yavanna had demanded that he take him with him to Middle-Earth, had joined a Fellowship, been really unhelpful in all his typical ways, and made it safely across the Misty Mountains with four hobbits, two humans, one dwarf and one elf. And one evil ring.

(Which was a rather wonderful beginning of a joke. _Four hobbits, two humans, a dwarf, an elf and a wizard walk into tavern ..._ Unfortunately, Tommy the Vala did not teach the Maia humour in Maia-school. Their loss.)

They had been ushered into Lothlorien when Sauron inquired – or shouted and screamed, whichever you think suit his character better – about Saruman’s ongoing work on finding his Ring. By that time the Fellowship, with a very disgruntled wizard in tow, had left Lothlorien early because Boromir had insisted, and was having an argument on the western shore of the Anduin about which direction they should take.

But there are more important things. Like Saruman having another break-up, this time with a Dark Lord. The tale of that break-up is another story, though.

Oh, and Gandalf finally got off that tower. An Eagle came and picked him up. They flew off into the unknown – also known as a holiday retreat in Lothlorien with its Lady – as Saruman angrily cursed them loud enough for all of Isengard to hear. It added to the Uruk-hai’s complaints about a bad work environment and eventually to their handing in their resignation as Saruman’s special elite force. Pity the Ents came along before they could take that much further, because a good work environment is key, readers! And if you come together you will be strong enough to oppose your boss and dispose of his ridiculous ideas (and hopefully him). On that note:

HERE ENDS THE TALE OF SARUMAN THE WHITE’S EXPLOITS WITH GANDALF THE GREY IN THE LATE THIRD AGE.

[1] It is taught by the Vala Tommy, who is the secret Vala Tolkien never told us about. He is the black sheep of the family and no one of the Children has ever met him.

**Author's Note:**

> ratgloss, erran, honeybee, liliththehedgehog from erran's stream, everyone else who witnessed the birth of this - you're welcome. here it is, in all its glory. It took a toll on my health, so you better have laughed


End file.
